Dark Night of the Soul

This post has been a long time coming.

As you can see, I was MIA for quite some time.  I've tried to come up with the proper return post content to explain and put all in perspective but the words seem too trite.  I guess the title sums it up most accurately.  Maybe it's best to leave the past in the past, turning focus to forward progression only.

All the sand has fallen to the bottom of the hourglass.  The only thing left to do is turn it over...

The Struggle Continues...

It's been a while since I've posted and I don't like that.  I've been struggling with finding the stamina as well as subject matter for a post.  I've got lots of ideas, but none seem to be screaming out in need of attention at this time.

Truth is, I've been quite down and out lately.  Sorry to be a bummer.  Alas, my life has been lacking the passion that I've been seeking.  I lack the passion for anything at this time!  I've been drained of all energy - both physical and emotional.  I have little enough reserves to get done the bare minimum in a day's time.  And even then, there are things I should be doing that just aren't getting done.  Yes, I'm greatly struggling.  I need a lifeline.  Anyone got one to spare?

Eternal Monologue

I survived my theatrical debut from February.  Doing the Vagina Monologues was a wonderful experience overall and I'm so very glad I did it.  When asked afterwards if I would ever do it again, I said no.  Though it was rewarding in many ways, it was also extremely disconcerting and uncomfortable.  Not once did my adrenaline kick in the way I was told it would.  But thankfully the feedback received was great!  I was told I did a wonderful job, albeit feeling awkward and self-conscious the entire time.  Believe me, faking orgasms (as my one monologue required) to a public medium is no easy feat for one such as me.  Doesn't matter how much applause or sweet praise follows.


I greatly dislike being observed.  And yet, like every other human being out there, I love to be complimented and know I'm admired by those I adore.  I just don't like to think on the fact that I'm being watched in the process.  The idea that parts of me I'd rather remain unexposed may show greatly unnerves me.  I understand that to a great degree, we are all hardwired this way.  That is why we hide away, shy away, or hold others at arm's length - all to avoid being fully seen.


"To be fully seen by somebody, then, and be loved anyhow - this is a human offering that can border on miraculous." ~ Elizabeth Gilbert


I'm a people watcher.  A total voyeur.  I love to observe the world around me.  But I usually do so at a safe distance.  At times, I may appear bold but you could never classify me as an exhibitionist.  Two different animals, there.  I don't thrive on being watched, I thrive on watching.


It intrigues me to know this about myself.  I ponder the differences between being a voyeur and an exhibitionist and find that, to me, they seem to come from the same root - insecurity.  But how can two totally different approaches at hiding come from the same root?  Or am I wrong in thinking that's where it comes from?


There's always that general fear of being harshly judged when one is splayed open for the world to view.  We all have perceived "flaws".  I say it this way because they aren't really flaws, we just classify them as such based on our own interpretations.  And yet, when witnessing my own "flaws," I'm still able to know and love myself.  Or am I??  If I did indeed love and value myself, would I be so uncomfortable at being seen?  So fearful of being judged?  I want to understand why it feels like a raw nerve being exposed whenever I know I'm being watched?  These are the things I ponder, people!


Still, with the fear of being judged, I greatly desire being seen.  Because I greatly desire being accepted by those I love.  We all do!  That's why we allow ourselves those moments of vulnerability.  So where does this fear come from, truly?  Is it a fear of being judged less lovable?  Less desirable?  Is that even possible??  Because I find I tend to love someone more when I learn of their weaknesses.  When I see that tender underbelly being shown, I get all protective and want to shield it from all possible hurts.  So is that, in turn, what I'm doing to myself through hiding?  Am I throwing a protective mantle over my own tender underbelly in the hopes of avoiding hurts through its exposure?  Is that where my discomfort in being fully seen comes from?


I'm getting better at putting myself out there though.  Repeating the cathartic exercise of pushing my boundaries has forced me into many vulnerable situations as of late.  And each time I walk away feeling stronger and more confident for my efforts, even though the process is still not easy by any means.  I like the sense of pride I feel when I accomplish that which I set out to do, instead of sitting around saying, "I wish I would have..."  Even if I suck at it, at least I can say "I did it!"  But I have yet to feel soothed enough to try my hand at theater again.  Perhaps I could be swayed by a production of Hair in the near future...NOT! 


"The most terrifying thing is to accept oneself completely." ~ Carl Jung

Wait For The Beep

I had a different blog entry cued up for today but felt compelled to write up this one after realizing something about myself yesterday morning.  It's a dilemma of sorts, one that many experience - Excessive Phone Usage.  This plague has been affecting the masses for quite some time.  And while I came into contact with it later than most, it still managed to pull me into its clutches.   

I have an android phone which I'm quite fond of both for the convenience of a cell phone and also for entertainment purposes.  Having regular access to my Facebook page, thanks to said phone, I noticed many of my acquaintances choosing to give up Facebook for Lent.  And while I don't regularly "live" on my Facebook page (some days I'll post a lot and then go days without), I do enjoy scrolling through the posts of others.  So much so that I know I would miss it within those 40 days.  Hmmm...  'Miss it' might not sum it up, actually.  I'm pretty sure I'd go through a bit of a withdrawal if I had to give up Facebook for 40 days.  And here's why...   

In 2013, my husband and I separated.  Prior to him moving out, we spent much time apart because our work schedules covered different times of the day, our social endeavors involved different interests, and when we were home together we were generally in other areas of the house attending to whatever task was at hand.  But even with so much time apart, when he moved out, the house felt very empty and very, very lonely.  It was because of the reason behind his absence that I struggled adjusting.  

I started turning to the easy accesses my phone provided for distraction.  It became my companion and source of comfort in some ways.  I would pour over inspirational memes on Facebook and save them in my phone for reference.  I would envy those that seemed to be living rich lives full of love.  (Granted, I know it's easy to present things to look that way when they are not so much, but I envied nonetheless.)  It became my primary source of socialization when I didn't have the strength to actually be social but craved companionship all the more. 

Flash forward to the present day - it's now 2015 and things have simmered down a bit.  At least enough for me to put down the phone.  But I haven't.  So when exactly did I turn into one of those phone zombies??  When did I lose my interest in actually "living" life???  I found myself already stewing on the matter when reading another post by a friend who hasn't had a cell phone for almost a year now.  She gave it up because of the drain she felt in her ability to be present.  She found that she too was so wrapped up with games and memes that she was missing out on interacting with actual people in her life.

Reality decided to pay me an overdue visit.  I had a rare weekend at home that was spent relaxing and cleaning/purging my house - an act that has been long overdue.  Throughout the weekend, I found myself picking up the phone a lot.  When I'd feel bored or needed a break, I'd surf a little.  Seemed harmless enough.  Elliot was busy playing and I was supposed to be busy cleaning.  But Sunday morning I wasn't cleaning.  I was snuggled in bed with my son and we were watching a Berenstein Bears DVD.  Because I was bored with the cartoon after having seen it umpteen times before, and because he was so immersed with it that I didn't think he'd notice, I decided to pull out my phone and cruise around a little bit.  He noticed, although I didn't realize that's what was happening at the time.  He started pointing out to me things happening in the cartoon, to which I would nod my head, say "Sure," and continue scrolling through posts. 

I started typing this entry about my phone usage yesterday morning and it was only while doing so that the Ugly Truth came up and smacked me hard across the face.  I realized right then that Sunday morning my son was trying to engage me by pointing out cartoon details.  He could tell I was no longer present with him and was trying to bring me back.  And I wasn't able to see it at the time.  My attention was directed elsewhere so much so that I was incapable of seeing what was happening right there in front of me!  I was too busy with my phone!  And realizing that yesterday morning was a bitter pill to swallow.  Finally understanding, my eyes filled with tears.  Talk about Shameful Mommy Moments!  I've felt horrid ever since!!

Sunday night I was already starting to recognize I have a problem.  Yesterday morning, even more so, and said to myself, "You realize you need to do something about this, right?!  You can't let this continue."  While I can't say I know of a solution just yet, I do know that some hard measures are required.  Such as detoxing.  Any true addiction requires a period of withdrawal.  So last night I started off with a mini detox, keeping my phone away for the evening and this morning while I was with my son.  And you know what?  The world didn't end!  I missed nothing of true importance.  In fact, I can't say I missed it either.  I was too busy being present and enjoying the moments before me.

I see now many more mini detoxes in store for me and my phone.  And I am embracing the idea after enjoying my night.  Remember me complaining about not having enough time for...anything!...well I just found myself some.  :) 

Dam Me Up, Beaver

"The time will pass anyway, you can either spend it creating the life you want or spend it living the life you don't want.  The choice is yours."

I had a dream the other night, remembering parts of it when I awoke in the morning.  But then later in the day, my son said something that made an additional memory from the dream come rushing back to me.  It was the memory of seeing a beaver with bright yellow coloring on it walking across my path. 

As kooky as it sounds, I took this as a message of sorts.  Reason being, every once in a while I have powerful thoughts hit me in dreams or in dream-like visions in the early morning hours.  Sometimes I dream of conversations rather than actual physical things.  But every time I have one of these unusual types of dreams, it always seems to be connected to something I'm experiencing or about to experience soon thereafter.

There are those who believe that animals have spiritual significance.  In looking up the spiritual meaning of the beaver, I found it to be uber relevant to exactly where I'm at in this moment.  So yes, I'm taking it as a sign! :)

"Beavers are ingenious builders, orchestrating megalith dams that can change the flowing course of entire rivers.  This impressive aspect along with its association with water makes the beaver an analogy for building up our dreams.  In essence, the beaver tells us to believe in our dreams as if they were real.  Build on them as if the dream is your reality.  Change the course of your life flow by structuring your life with a goal to coax your dreams into your physical reality.  Animal symbolism of the beaver deals with building our lives up around our dreams and working diligently.  It's great to have dreams, but you have to work at them to make them real!"

Pretty powerful, huh!  I have to believe this was a nudge for me to get a move on as I've been slipping into melancholy as of late.  Time to knock that shit off!  As a matter of fact, it might be time for me to re-read Neil Gaiman's keynote address of 2012 to the graduating class of the University of Arts in Philadelphia.  (If you have not seen or heard this, please YouTube it pronto!  You'll be ever so glad you did!!!)  In it, he explains that no matter what happens to you in life, "MAKE GOOD ART."  Sage words right there!  

"...whatever you do you have one thing that's unique.  You have the ability to make art.  And for me, and for so many of the people I have known, that's been a lifesaver.  The ultimate lifesaver.  It gets you through good times and it gets you through the other ones.  Life is sometimes hard.  Things go wrong, in life and in love and in business and in friendship and in health and in all the other ways that life can go wrong.  And when things get tough, this is what you should do.  Make good art.  I'm serious.  Husband runs off with a politician?  Make good art.  Leg crushed and then eaten by mutated boa constrictor?  Make good art.  IRS on your trail?  Make good art.  Cat exploded?  Make good art.  Somebody on the Internet thinks that what you do is stupid or evil or it's all been done before?  Make good art.  Probably things will work out somehow, and eventually time will take the sting away, but that doesn't matter.  Do what only you do best.  Make good art."

And with that in mind, what have I been doing??  I'm ashamed to say not much at the moment now that my theatrical debut is complete.  I was working on some cuttings, but my heart isn't fully into it at the moment.  I have the urge to dabble in botanicals once again, learning more about aromatherapy.  And yet when I get home at night and finish with making supper and whatever else needs attending to, I find I'm too tired to do much else.  So what's a girl to do in order to create her dreams into being?  Not sure yet.  But crashing out on the sofa at night after I put my son to bed isn't helping much either.

"Dreams pass into reality of action.  From action, stems the dream again.  This interdependence produces the highest form of living." ~ Anais Nin

This weekend I need to get my butt on the yoga mat.  I need to stretch my body, refreshing it with oxygen as I breathe deeply into my postures.  I'm sure a bit of cleansing and energizing will go a long way for me at this time.  Let's see if a few nights of some simple evening yoga will start to recharge my battery.  Maybe it'll knock some of the cobwebs loose and get me moving in a new creative direction. 

Take us out, Neil ~

"And now go, and make interesting mistakes, make amazing mistakes, make glorious and fantastic mistakes.  Break rules.  Leave the world more interesting for your being here.  Make good art."

Because I'm Weird

I have never done theater before in my life.  Never did plays or musicals in high school.  Never involved myself in productions in any way.  The one activity I participated in during junior and senior high was twirling Rifles in Bandfront.  And while that required performing in front of crowds at football games, field competitions and parades, it never required me to be alone in the spotlight so to speak.  I don't like being in the spotlight.  I don't like being observed, I like doing the observing.

So naturally, when a co-worker told me that her community theater group was doing a production of The Vagina Monologues for Valentine's Weekend, I immediately signed up to audition!

Wait...what??  I did what?!?!

It's all about pushing boundaries and stepping outside of my comfort zone, right?!  I said I was committed to that goal last year and it served me so well that I continued my commitment into this year.  Besides, it's for a good cause.

The Vagina Monologues is very empowering for women.  We learn that we are not alone in our feelings and experiences with our bodies.  We learn that our most private of body parts is beautiful and exquisite in every way!  We learn to love and celebrate that which makes us the fascinating creates we are!  Plus, part of the proceeds from this production go to helping women in crisis.  For that reason alone, I'll gladly stand up in front of a crowd and make a fool of myself!! 

Although I admit that my bold ambition has been rapidly fading in the days leading up to the weekend.  At this point, I'm extremely nervous!

Tonight is our final rehearsal.  Shows are Friday and Saturday nights at 7:00pm at the Gallery Above Penn Square in Reading, PA.  If anyone local is reading this blog, come on out for a showing.  You'll be supporting a good cause and you'll get to see me fake an orgasm onstage! 

Oy vey...

Conundrum

The definition of a conundrum is 1) a riddle whose answer contains a pun; 2) any puzzling problem.  Well I've got a pun-less conundrum here...  I want to know if happiness is a choice. 


All around me I see inspirational sayings that tell me it is indeed a choice.  We choose what we think.  Therefore, we choose how we feel.  We also choose how we see things.  I believe all of this to be true.  So yes, I believe in a certain sense that we choose whether or not to be happy, regardless of circumstances.


If that's the case, then today, I choose to be happy.


...


...


...I'm waiting...


...


While I do believe happiness involves a choice of sorts, I don't think it's as easy as the statement above makes it sound.  If I am feeling unhappy, despite my choice to feel happy, does it mean I'm lacking in gratitude?  I don't think so.  So why do I still flounder with the need to feel happy?


Let me look at it from a different angle.  I have moments of happiness.  They tend to be brief and fleeting.  Maybe that's normal.  Maybe one should strive not for happiness but for contentedness.  I want to feel content.  I want to feel it more days than not.  And I want to feel it regardless of my circumstances.  My feelings of contentment should not be based on my job, my home, or my love life.  Any of those things can be fleeting and I want my contentment to be as permanent a thing as can be. 


Is that even possible?


I feel listless and languid.  I feel it enough to question why when I'm perfectly capable of seeing all the good in my life.  So why can't I feel it?


Often times a restless, unsatisfied nature is attributed to a disconnect with oneself.  Is that the root of my problem?  Do I need to spend more time exploring myself and my passions?  Well, yes...I do...  We all do.  But I don't know if that can fully explain my issue.  I think it goes way deeper than that.  Am I just a whiner?  I sure hope not!  I don't mean to be!!  I will have a run of days where I maintain a positive outlook, telling myself, "Fake it till you make it."  But then I get tired of faking it when what I truly feel inside is dissatisfaction.  And then I mope.  And then I get angry with myself for moping.  And then I get frustrated for being so unkind to myself.


I know a big problem for me is the constant chatter I have going through my mind.  It's not that it's always a negative chatter, but it is constant and that alone is draining.  The main reason for it is because I fell away from 3 very important practices:  meditation, yoga and reiki.  These 3 things are key for me to silence and de-clutter my mind.  They need to be my mainstay for any healthy spiritual work. 


In my posts leading up to now, I can see how I've gotten way ahead of myself here.  I'm trying to run with BEMUSED while failing to walk first with my tripod (meditation, yoga, reiki).  My tripod needs to be fully functioning before any journey can commence.  Pursuing the whispers of my heart is all well and good.  But it's impossible for me to clearly hear those whispers over all the senseless chatter going on.


So what have I determined here?  Let's see...  I do believe happiness is a choice.  And while I  believe I am still in need of self-exploration, I think I'm far enough along there for the time being.  That leaves me with the issue of my chatterbox brain.  I obviously need to devote more time to dealing with that before returning to self-exploration.  Can't keep wasting valuable energy chasing my tail with my tripod sitting in a deconstructed heap in the corner!


This is a crazy busy week for me.  The cat got neutered.  My son has a school project due next week as well as Valentines to prepare for his classmates.  My grandmother was in the hospital.  I'm preparing for a theater production that I'm in this weekend (did I mention I'm doing some community theater for the first time ever?!  more on that tomorrow).  And I'm way behind on some cutting commissions and pieces for a small gallery display that's going up in a local restaurant for next month.  Plus there's the regular cooking, laundry, cleaning, appointments and errands, all of which have been greatly neglected.  And did I mention that I lost a whole night last night being down for the count due to a migraine?  I don't see how I can possibly carve out a niche this week for one more thing, no matter how much that meditation is needed right now!


But come next week, it's definitely back to Basic Training for me!!!

Destination Addiction

I recently posted this on my Facebook wall as it is so very fitting for me. 

"Beware of Destination Addiction - a preoccupation with the idea that happiness is in the next place, the next job, and with the next partner.  Until you give up the idea that happiness is somewhere else, it will never be where you are."

I am shamed to say I spent a good portion of my life in this sorry state.  In fact, at times I still find myself trapped in its clutches!  But the difference between then and now is the realization that I can choose a different way of being for myself.  Through my BEMUSED journey, I'm creating my own happiness by exploring my true passions and desires.  In doing so, I feel myself breaking this habit once and for all.

It's like a disease really.  I guess that's the classification of all addiction.  I have already bemoaned on here my dissatisfaction with my job.  What you don't know is that I've bemoaned dissatisfaction with my home, my relationships, my finances, my lifestyle, my hair, my boobs, blah blah blah...  The list goes on.  I've tried to tackle this issue in the past too by analyzing each individually to see how to change it into something better.  I've made to-do lists, cut out pretty pictures from magazines for inspiration, and highlighted articles for reference.  All in an attempt to custom make a life and self that I thought would finally make me happy.

Ahhhhh...no.  All I was doing was replicating someone or something else.  Trying to fit in that square box that I thought I belonged in.  It didn't work.  There was no true lasting happiness to be found in that state.  I always wound up feeling listless and empty.  Although I do remember being blissfully happy (for the most part) in childhood.  So when did my addiction begin?  I know exactly when -- as a teenager.  I spent hours upon hours holed up in my bedroom dreaming of my future.  From there into adulthood, the happy moments dwindled down more so as I floundered around in my existence, not really knowing myself, just going through the motions in so many ways.  It was always easier to dream of life than actually create it and live it for myself. 

But I don't blame my former self for this as I once did.  So often I catch myself saying, "All that time I wasted, had I only known..."  Well, I didn't know!!  I had no idea of the woman I was.  And she's not the same as the woman I am now.  It takes living and a continuous exploration and true connection to self to really progress in discovering one's true pleasures.  It takes time to really get in there and dig around.  And even then, it takes time to craft around those discoveries.


I'd say it's taken me until now to really know ME.  And the reason I say it's a "continuous exploration" is because I find myself to be ever evolving.  Last year I really stepped outside of myself and started to explore various interests and curiosities I've had for ages.  That process shall continue into this year as well.  It's all part of immersing myself in my idea of Passionate Living.  So here I am, taking my search to a whole other level.


It's in there, I know it is!  Somewhere deep inside me is a  wellspring of True Happiness.  I shall continue the search by immersing myself in the things I love to do.  I shall expose myself to new endeavors to see if it triggers something excitable within.  I'll keep digging until I find the X that marks that magical spot to my wellspring.  And BEMUSED shall be a treasure map I share with other explorers journeying to the center of their own most passionate souls.

No Dress Rehearsal

There's a well known mantra that goes om mani padme hum.  I was told at one time that it loosely translates to the jewel is in the lotus, meaning "what you desire, you already have."  I've seen other translations that are different yet similar in nature, which is understandable considering the original is written in Sanskrit.


Whether or not this is correct matters little to me overall as I cling to the interpretation I have.  There is a typed copy of it taped to my file cabinet in my office at work.  I use it as a way to remind myself that all I truly need in life I already possess.  That can mean anything from my intelligence, motivation, and strength, to my son, health, and home.  I use this as a tool when trying to remain calm and grounded at times when my world goes off kilter.  Can't say it always works.  Many times freak-out mode still ensues.


When I am sad or hurt, I fall prey to the same bad habits that others do when trying to pick myself up.  If the issue is minor, I have been known to partake in a little ooh shiney retail therapy.  But when the hurts run deep, I have also fallen prey to bad choices and damaging ways of trying to cope.  Neither have worked well for me.  The former tends to leave me broke while the latter leaves me broken.

I recognize that finding happiness through Passionate Living also requires some serious passionate healing.  Healing of that nature comes from excavating and attending to or in letting go.  Having already been knee-deep in this process tending to old issues, I see my need to continue on through my more recent hurts.  Even so, I feel I'm ready to take it all to another level.  As I attend to emotional repairs, I want to pursue daily life repairs.  Hence BEMUSED.  Hence Simple Abundance.

I'm convinced Sarah Ban Breathnach has the same mantra hanging above her writing desk.  Delving further into her January essays, I find she speaks directly to my heart.  "You already possess all the inner wisdom, strength, and creativity needed to make your dreams come true."  "You already possess all you need to be genuinely happy."  She explains that one comes to a flawed conclusion about happiness and fulfillment when one can't access one's inner resources.  It is in those moments that one will seek out happiness and fulfillment from external events.  Often times, I've been led astray by those temporary easy fixes only to find myself in a much darker crippled state afterwards.  I know I'm not alone in this one!

What good are superficial band-aids?!  I want to make things right once and for all.  Why continue to carry baggage?  It only serves to hold me back in a place where I don't want to be.  I seek a deeper fulfillment and a truer happiness.  And so, I read a little further...  Sarah explains her 6 keys to Simple Abundance: 

• gratitude
• simplicity
• order
• harmony
• beauty
• joy 

She addresses all 6 in future essays, explaining that each one leads like a step to the next, and all 6 together make for a woven tapestry of one's life.

My current focus is gratitude.  As of this morning, I was pleased to count 8 slips of paper in my Jar of Happy Moments, and it's not even the end of the month!  And that's not the only way I'm working on gratitude.  I resurrected a habit of mine from years ago where each morning when I first wake up, I take a few moments while still in bed to reflect on things I'm grateful for.  I try to be specific and change up the list daily.  Usually this means I'm speaking of moments or experiences from the day before.  This exercise not only reminds me of all the good happening to me on a daily basis, it also sets my mindset for the day on a high note.  Gratitude for the good in one's life works to bring more of the good in!

This BEMUSED journey requires me to address all aspects of Self:  physical, emotional, psychological, and spiritual.  They are all interconnected.  If one area is weak, it will work to weaken the other areas.  And while it is difficult work, I can't deny how rewarding each and every step has been.  Taking myself apart has allowed me to start putting the pieces back together in a new configuration.  There's no list of instructions on how to do this right and proper either.  Everyone will tell you different.  And yet I realize life isn't a dress rehearsal.  It's imperative that I get it right this time around because there won't be another chance.  At least, not as ME.  And so, I'm committed to blazing my trail knowing that I will successfully achieve creating the life of bliss I crave, allowing me to live out the rest of my days passionately.

Jar of Happy Moments

Just a light little entry to introduce my Jar of Happy Moments.  Warning:  I disclosed before that I was going to get all ritualistic about this project, so don't be put off by any wacky talk in my description. :-)

First thing I did was clean the jar of all dust and finger prints, best I could.  I then applied multiple coats of a glass paint  to the outside of the jar.  Wanting to just tint the glass so as to not interfere with seeing its contents, I thinned the paint prior to applying to just a wash.  The jar rested between each coat for an hour.  However, after all coats were applied, it still took days to fully dry.  Even after the first few days, when I would handle it, I found my fingers left faint prints that had to be attended to.  Had I "baked" the jar when the coatings were completed, it probably would have dried much sooner.



Untouched mason jar with crafting tools and accessories at the ready.


The color I chose to tint the glass with was blue, or Azul, per the bottle's label.  I purposefully chose blue because a) it's my favorite color, and b) it's the color that is sometimes known to represent the Third-Eye Chakra.  This chakra is said to be where you intuition and knowing reside.  As I explained before, this jar and its contents are to serve as a reminder for gratitude of the good that comes my way throughout the year.  Choosing the color blue was my way of acknowledging my awareness that I bring to me that which I want, through my actions, thoughts and feelings.  Therefore, I "know" good things shall continually present themselves to me.  There are no doubts within me on this.  I know, like I know, like I know...

While waiting between drying coats of paint, I worked on the lid by applying 2 coats of gold paint.  I wasn't too fussy with this part as it was just a base to fancy up the lid a little more before applying my paper flowers.  Why flowers?  To represent my life and self fully blooming.  In a previous post, I mentioned my friend, Danielle, owner of Discovering Your Goddess.  A few years ago while enjoying a cup of tea at her kitchen table, Danielle gave me encouragement during a bleak time by referencing a quote from Anais Nin:  "And the day came when the risk to remain tight in a bud was more painful than the risk it took to blossom."  Such a powerful quote!!!  That night as I was leaving her house, she gave me a magnet from her fridge that had the quote printed on it.  It sticks prominently on my fridge, serving as a reminder of our discussion that day. 

After the paint on the jar was, for the most part, dry, I applied a gold glass paint to some of the detailing seen on the front.  You can't see it too well in the picture, but on the front of the jar is a cluster of fruits and leaves.  I wanted to emphasize this part as a sign of abundance in my life.  So the fruits and the swirly detailing around it were gilted in gold, a color most associated with richness and wealth.

I also attached a paper butterfly to the front of the jar.  Butterflies are said to represent transformation.  My life and self are both being transformed as I recognize with gratitude all the good coming my way.  And it is positioned to fly upward, signifying my upward progression through the year.

Finished jar with a view of the Golden Abundance on the front.

View of my "blooming" from the top.

Stayed tuned to future posts as you will see this jar pictured frequently throughout the year, documenting its progression of filling up with slips of paper, all which will detail many glorious blessings and adventures!!!





Chapter One

"There are years that ask questions and years that answer." ~ Zora Neale Hurston


I started the year off by delving once again into Sarah Ban Breathnach's book of daily essays entitled Simple Abundance, which brought me to this quote.  Great opener, as she encourages her readers in the first essay of the year to carve out a quiet interlude in which to dream, pen in hand, as "only dreams give birth to change."  I couldn't agree more.  And boy oh boy, do I have dreams!  With pen in hand, I have made a multitude of lists/plans/notes all dedicated to achieving those dreams.  Yet with all that analyzing and careful planning, I continue to be perplexed as to how to achieve Dream #1, the mucho grande of all my dreams.  It's the big enchilada that all others rest upon.


So far it seems that Dream #1 is of such epic proportions that my relatively intelligent brain can't seem to bring it into fruition.  It frustrates me greatly.  And I find when I get to feeling this way - all discouraged with a full on pout to boot - it's hard to look at the situation objectively, let alone optimistically.  These feelings then snowball until I find myself feeling great doubt and greatly overwhelmed at the possibility of losing out on my dream.  I try to be an optimist, but I'm more so a realist.


Funny thing is, I've re-written this post multiple times over a few days now because every time I re-read what I've typed, I'm mortified by all of my defeatist talk.  No wonder I struggle!  I have 4 big dreams and I've become so discouraged as of late at the hopes of making any of them come true that I've killed off all possible achievement whatsoever.  Because I've told myself I can't have what I want.  I've convinced myself of this through my whiney, complain-y daily dialogue.  Remember me mentioning in a previous post how shocked and appalled I was at all my negative dialogue in my journals through the past few years?  It's the same thing.  In every way, I've set myself up to fail.  No wonder I feel like I'm spinning my wheels going nowhere fast!


I have a dream of making my living through my art.  I have many interests, many modes, and many abilities I can capitalize on.  I see people all around me with greater odds stacked against them who've managed to achieve the same for themselves.  They've managed to uncover the magic formula.  So why not me?!  Because I've talked myself into seeing nothing but a brick wall of self-doubt in front of me, blocking me from achieving my dream.  You know, it took me so long to even call myself an artist!  For years I believed that the things I created weren't "real art" and that I had no right to use that title for myself.  Now I can see how messed up it is that I would treat myself that way for so long.


Prior to now, I've been bemoaning my corporate day job because of the stress and lack of fulfillment I experience daily.  Since my BEMUSED venture is all about Living a Passionate Life, this must change pronto!  I feel no passion for what I do.  It's a stable job with great pay and great benefits, but it's been so taxing on me for so long now that all of it has become a truly soul-sucking endeavor.  And yet, I know the value of what I have.  I know a good job is hard to come by.  I know how important it is that I'm able to support my family.  I know the bleak job climate out there and how most would kill to have what I have at the moment.  But even with gratitude for my stability I'm unable to stave off the panic attacks that hit me now every Sunday in anticipation of returning to the office Monday morning.  Obviously something's really wrong here! If my health is affected, and it has been for quite some time, then something's got to give.  THIS * MUST * CHANGE!!!


Recognizing that I could potentially build up an art business on the side, while still working to support my family, I tried to create during my downtime.  But that's been a problem as well.  Working 40 hours a week in management leaves me so mentally drained that I have virtually no energy to do what needs to be done when I get home, let alone what I want to do.  There's dinner to make, a home to care for, laundry to do, a son to raise, plus all those other miscellanies that fall under the category of 'Life Happens.'  And despite how good of an artist one is - when one is drained, one is NOT creative.


I'm a little late to the game of knowing myself and what I want to do with my life.  This career that I now have is something that I had wanted at one time.  It seemed a logical choice in my 20's and some of my 30's to work in this direction.  Had I known myself better in my youth, I could have pursued a bohemian lifestyle quite easily before having the responsibilities I now have.  At this point, I can't just up and quit, throwing caution to the wind, especially when just finding out that my 8-year-old now needs braces.  Let's be real here!  Some dreams are possible.  Some dreams are probable.  And some dreams will always remain just a dream.


Or so I thought.


Through my many re-drafts of this post, I'm finding that my success at anything is dependent on ME.  Pursuing a dream requires not just action, but healthy thoughts and feelings that align to achieving said dream.  With all my defeatist dialogue above, it's no wonder I shake my fist in frustration at the Universe rather than raise my hands in praise.  I sabotage myself in every way.  And that brick wall I built has now blocked me from seeing my full potential.  It's built on a foundation of fear:  fear of failing, of making a bad decision, of hurting my family.  I have been consistent at wanting this dream.  But I've also been consistent at telling myself I can't have what I want.  I can see now that if I expect a different outcome then I need to discontinue with the same negative thought patterns that have held me in limbo.  If I can't see a way to achieve my dream then, no, there is no way.  So maybe it's time to pick up a sledgehammer and work to tear down that wall once and for all.


Now back to my question at hand -- How do I make my living through my art?  Sarah's January 2nd essay speaks about a process that will evolve throughout the year.  She says I need to live my questions, as the answers will come.  I need to be open to the changes that the answers will inevitably bring.  And most importantly, I need to believe in myself!!!


Right now, I commit to trusting in the process of my BEMUSED journey.  I believe I have already succeeded by taking this much needed step.  I believe this is the year to uncover my answers.  As I proceed slowly, I leave behind me discarded doubts and fears that have weighed me down thus far.  Starting this blog is a step in the direction of my dreams.  As I explore my questions of how to live a passionate life, I explore myself.  I learn, I grow, I uncover more tools and bring forth more truths.  It changes me, which in turn changes my life.  Already I feel an immediate shift as I accept the truth explored above.  Already I've weakened the mortar that holds my brick wall together.  Today I choose to believe unquestionably in myself and my success.  I invite the answers to reshape me as I continue to ask my questions.


"You only live once - but if you work it right, once is enough." ~ Joe E. Lewis

Return to the Living

I'm back!!!  Finally!

My apologies for my absence.  It was unintentional, as absences frequently are.  It just so happens that the plague decided to descend upon my household right after the busy holidays.  It's been making the rounds in the area I live so I can't say I was surprised by its visit.  What bummed me out most was its timing.  As I've already mentioned, January held a big birthday for me and I had big plans for celebrating.  But being weak from the tail end of the flu complicated them a bit.  Alas, I was able to power through well enough and make some memories of my big day.  I also promised myself a redo later this year.  Who knows, maybe I'll make it an annual birthday tradition!

Even in my weakened state, it was quite the experience!  I treated myself to a day at The Spa at The Hershey Hotel.  And what a treat it was!  For those who aren't familiar with The Hershey Hotel, let me just say that it's quite lovely and grand.  And that's just the hotel itself.  The spa is beyond words!  I felt like a queen.  This is definitely an experience that will go into my Mason Jar of Happy Moments!!!  I can't say enough good things about all the people I encountered both in the spa and at the hotel, where I stayed overnight.  I give the entire experience 5 out of 5 stars!

As mentioned, I also treated myself with a room for the night.  After checking in, I splurged on some tasty gourmet room service.  There was snow on the ground that evening, which was fitting as there was snow on the day I was born.  I took a very brief stroll outside that night, marveling at its freshness.  Under the moonlight I was treated to thousands of untouched snowflake diamonds that glistened all around me.  Its beauty was beyond compare.  I was also gifted with a sighting of 2 deer running across my path as I walked along in the still and silent night.  Magical, indeed. 

And speaking of my Mason Jar of Happy Moments...  Over the holidays, I found a lovely large mason jar at home that I have set aside to use.  After partaking in a little Pinterest, I found some nifty ideas on how to decorate it.  I really want to do it up, you know.  So this weekend, I'll be making a trip to my local Michael's to stock up on necessary supplies.  By the end of the weekend, I will have a beautiful jar to fill with slips of paper that detail wonderful experiences throughout the year.  I even have a few to record a while to put in it once it's completed.  And of course, I will photograph and show it here real soon!