"There are years that ask questions and years that answer." ~ Zora Neale Hurston
I started the year off by delving once again into Sarah Ban Breathnach's book of daily essays entitled Simple Abundance, which brought me to this quote. Great opener, as she encourages her readers in the first essay of the year to carve out a quiet interlude in which to dream, pen in hand, as "only dreams give birth to change." I couldn't agree more. And boy oh boy, do I have dreams! With pen in hand, I have made a multitude of lists/plans/notes all dedicated to achieving those dreams. Yet with all that analyzing and careful planning, I continue to be perplexed as to how to achieve Dream #1, the mucho grande of all my dreams. It's the big enchilada that all others rest upon.
So far it seems that Dream #1 is of such epic proportions that my relatively intelligent brain can't seem to bring it into fruition. It frustrates me greatly. And I find when I get to feeling this way - all discouraged with a full on pout to boot - it's hard to look at the situation objectively, let alone optimistically. These feelings then snowball until I find myself feeling great doubt and greatly overwhelmed at the possibility of losing out on my dream. I try to be an optimist, but I'm more so a realist.
Funny thing is, I've re-written this post multiple times over a few days now because every time I re-read what I've typed, I'm mortified by all of my defeatist talk. No wonder I struggle! I have 4 big dreams and I've become so discouraged as of late at the hopes of making any of them come true that I've killed off all possible achievement whatsoever. Because I've told myself I can't have what I want. I've convinced myself of this through my whiney, complain-y daily dialogue. Remember me mentioning in a previous post how shocked and appalled I was at all my negative dialogue in my journals through the past few years? It's the same thing. In every way, I've set myself up to fail. No wonder I feel like I'm spinning my wheels going nowhere fast!
I have a dream of making my living through my art. I have many interests, many modes, and many abilities I can capitalize on. I see people all around me with greater odds stacked against them who've managed to achieve the same for themselves. They've managed to uncover the magic formula. So why not me?! Because I've talked myself into seeing nothing but a brick wall of self-doubt in front of me, blocking me from achieving my dream. You know, it took me so long to even call myself an artist! For years I believed that the things I created weren't "real art" and that I had no right to use that title for myself. Now I can see how messed up it is that I would treat myself that way for so long.
Prior to now, I've been bemoaning my corporate day job because of the stress and lack of fulfillment I experience daily. Since my BEMUSED venture is all about Living a Passionate Life, this must change pronto! I feel no passion for what I do. It's a stable job with great pay and great benefits, but it's been so taxing on me for so long now that all of it has become a truly soul-sucking endeavor. And yet, I know the value of what I have. I know a good job is hard to come by. I know how important it is that I'm able to support my family. I know the bleak job climate out there and how most would kill to have what I have at the moment. But even with gratitude for my stability I'm unable to stave off the panic attacks that hit me now every Sunday in anticipation of returning to the office Monday morning. Obviously something's really wrong here! If my health is affected, and it has been for quite some time, then something's got to give. THIS * MUST * CHANGE!!!
Recognizing that I could potentially build up an art business on the side, while still working to support my family, I tried to create during my downtime. But that's been a problem as well. Working 40 hours a week in management leaves me so mentally drained that I have virtually no energy to do what needs to be done when I get home, let alone what I want to do. There's dinner to make, a home to care for, laundry to do, a son to raise, plus all those other miscellanies that fall under the category of 'Life Happens.' And despite how good of an artist one is - when one is drained, one is NOT creative.
I'm a little late to the game of knowing myself and what I want to do with my life. This career that I now have is something that I had wanted at one time. It seemed a logical choice in my 20's and some of my 30's to work in this direction. Had I known myself better in my youth, I could have pursued a bohemian lifestyle quite easily before having the responsibilities I now have. At this point, I can't just up and quit, throwing caution to the wind, especially when just finding out that my 8-year-old now needs braces. Let's be real here! Some dreams are possible. Some dreams are probable. And some dreams will always remain just a dream.
Or so I thought.
Through my many re-drafts of this post, I'm finding that my success at anything is dependent on ME. Pursuing a dream requires not just action, but healthy thoughts and feelings that align to achieving said dream. With all my defeatist dialogue above, it's no wonder I shake my fist in frustration at the Universe rather than raise my hands in praise. I sabotage myself in every way. And that brick wall I built has now blocked me from seeing my full potential. It's built on a foundation of fear: fear of failing, of making a bad decision, of hurting my family. I have been consistent at wanting this dream. But I've also been consistent at telling myself I can't have what I want. I can see now that if I expect a different outcome then I need to discontinue with the same negative thought patterns that have held me in limbo. If I can't see a way to achieve my dream then, no, there is no way. So maybe it's time to pick up a sledgehammer and work to tear down that wall once and for all.
Now back to my question at hand -- How do I make my living through my art? Sarah's January 2nd essay speaks about a process that will evolve throughout the year. She says I need to live my questions, as the answers will come. I need to be open to the changes that the answers will inevitably bring. And most importantly, I need to believe in myself!!!
Right now, I commit to trusting in the process of my BEMUSED journey. I believe I have already succeeded by taking this much needed step. I believe this is the year to uncover my answers. As I proceed slowly, I leave behind me discarded doubts and fears that have weighed me down thus far. Starting this blog is a step in the direction of my dreams. As I explore my questions of how to live a passionate life, I explore myself. I learn, I grow, I uncover more tools and bring forth more truths. It changes me, which in turn changes my life. Already I feel an immediate shift as I accept the truth explored above. Already I've weakened the mortar that holds my brick wall together. Today I choose to believe unquestionably in myself and my success. I invite the answers to reshape me as I continue to ask my questions.
"You only live once - but if you work it right, once is enough." ~ Joe E. Lewis
I started the year off by delving once again into Sarah Ban Breathnach's book of daily essays entitled Simple Abundance, which brought me to this quote. Great opener, as she encourages her readers in the first essay of the year to carve out a quiet interlude in which to dream, pen in hand, as "only dreams give birth to change." I couldn't agree more. And boy oh boy, do I have dreams! With pen in hand, I have made a multitude of lists/plans/notes all dedicated to achieving those dreams. Yet with all that analyzing and careful planning, I continue to be perplexed as to how to achieve Dream #1, the mucho grande of all my dreams. It's the big enchilada that all others rest upon.
So far it seems that Dream #1 is of such epic proportions that my relatively intelligent brain can't seem to bring it into fruition. It frustrates me greatly. And I find when I get to feeling this way - all discouraged with a full on pout to boot - it's hard to look at the situation objectively, let alone optimistically. These feelings then snowball until I find myself feeling great doubt and greatly overwhelmed at the possibility of losing out on my dream. I try to be an optimist, but I'm more so a realist.
Funny thing is, I've re-written this post multiple times over a few days now because every time I re-read what I've typed, I'm mortified by all of my defeatist talk. No wonder I struggle! I have 4 big dreams and I've become so discouraged as of late at the hopes of making any of them come true that I've killed off all possible achievement whatsoever. Because I've told myself I can't have what I want. I've convinced myself of this through my whiney, complain-y daily dialogue. Remember me mentioning in a previous post how shocked and appalled I was at all my negative dialogue in my journals through the past few years? It's the same thing. In every way, I've set myself up to fail. No wonder I feel like I'm spinning my wheels going nowhere fast!
I have a dream of making my living through my art. I have many interests, many modes, and many abilities I can capitalize on. I see people all around me with greater odds stacked against them who've managed to achieve the same for themselves. They've managed to uncover the magic formula. So why not me?! Because I've talked myself into seeing nothing but a brick wall of self-doubt in front of me, blocking me from achieving my dream. You know, it took me so long to even call myself an artist! For years I believed that the things I created weren't "real art" and that I had no right to use that title for myself. Now I can see how messed up it is that I would treat myself that way for so long.
Prior to now, I've been bemoaning my corporate day job because of the stress and lack of fulfillment I experience daily. Since my BEMUSED venture is all about Living a Passionate Life, this must change pronto! I feel no passion for what I do. It's a stable job with great pay and great benefits, but it's been so taxing on me for so long now that all of it has become a truly soul-sucking endeavor. And yet, I know the value of what I have. I know a good job is hard to come by. I know how important it is that I'm able to support my family. I know the bleak job climate out there and how most would kill to have what I have at the moment. But even with gratitude for my stability I'm unable to stave off the panic attacks that hit me now every Sunday in anticipation of returning to the office Monday morning. Obviously something's really wrong here! If my health is affected, and it has been for quite some time, then something's got to give. THIS * MUST * CHANGE!!!
Recognizing that I could potentially build up an art business on the side, while still working to support my family, I tried to create during my downtime. But that's been a problem as well. Working 40 hours a week in management leaves me so mentally drained that I have virtually no energy to do what needs to be done when I get home, let alone what I want to do. There's dinner to make, a home to care for, laundry to do, a son to raise, plus all those other miscellanies that fall under the category of 'Life Happens.' And despite how good of an artist one is - when one is drained, one is NOT creative.
I'm a little late to the game of knowing myself and what I want to do with my life. This career that I now have is something that I had wanted at one time. It seemed a logical choice in my 20's and some of my 30's to work in this direction. Had I known myself better in my youth, I could have pursued a bohemian lifestyle quite easily before having the responsibilities I now have. At this point, I can't just up and quit, throwing caution to the wind, especially when just finding out that my 8-year-old now needs braces. Let's be real here! Some dreams are possible. Some dreams are probable. And some dreams will always remain just a dream.
Or so I thought.
Through my many re-drafts of this post, I'm finding that my success at anything is dependent on ME. Pursuing a dream requires not just action, but healthy thoughts and feelings that align to achieving said dream. With all my defeatist dialogue above, it's no wonder I shake my fist in frustration at the Universe rather than raise my hands in praise. I sabotage myself in every way. And that brick wall I built has now blocked me from seeing my full potential. It's built on a foundation of fear: fear of failing, of making a bad decision, of hurting my family. I have been consistent at wanting this dream. But I've also been consistent at telling myself I can't have what I want. I can see now that if I expect a different outcome then I need to discontinue with the same negative thought patterns that have held me in limbo. If I can't see a way to achieve my dream then, no, there is no way. So maybe it's time to pick up a sledgehammer and work to tear down that wall once and for all.
Now back to my question at hand -- How do I make my living through my art? Sarah's January 2nd essay speaks about a process that will evolve throughout the year. She says I need to live my questions, as the answers will come. I need to be open to the changes that the answers will inevitably bring. And most importantly, I need to believe in myself!!!
Right now, I commit to trusting in the process of my BEMUSED journey. I believe I have already succeeded by taking this much needed step. I believe this is the year to uncover my answers. As I proceed slowly, I leave behind me discarded doubts and fears that have weighed me down thus far. Starting this blog is a step in the direction of my dreams. As I explore my questions of how to live a passionate life, I explore myself. I learn, I grow, I uncover more tools and bring forth more truths. It changes me, which in turn changes my life. Already I feel an immediate shift as I accept the truth explored above. Already I've weakened the mortar that holds my brick wall together. Today I choose to believe unquestionably in myself and my success. I invite the answers to reshape me as I continue to ask my questions.
"You only live once - but if you work it right, once is enough." ~ Joe E. Lewis
There is a flame inside of you. A flame of passion and desire that is screaming to get out. The Universe wants you to set it free. The world needs you to set it free. You must let yourself be set free. Reach for the stars and you will fly.
ReplyDeleteThank you so much for your inspiring words! And thank you so much for reading!
ReplyDelete