No Dress Rehearsal

There's a well known mantra that goes om mani padme hum.  I was told at one time that it loosely translates to the jewel is in the lotus, meaning "what you desire, you already have."  I've seen other translations that are different yet similar in nature, which is understandable considering the original is written in Sanskrit.


Whether or not this is correct matters little to me overall as I cling to the interpretation I have.  There is a typed copy of it taped to my file cabinet in my office at work.  I use it as a way to remind myself that all I truly need in life I already possess.  That can mean anything from my intelligence, motivation, and strength, to my son, health, and home.  I use this as a tool when trying to remain calm and grounded at times when my world goes off kilter.  Can't say it always works.  Many times freak-out mode still ensues.


When I am sad or hurt, I fall prey to the same bad habits that others do when trying to pick myself up.  If the issue is minor, I have been known to partake in a little ooh shiney retail therapy.  But when the hurts run deep, I have also fallen prey to bad choices and damaging ways of trying to cope.  Neither have worked well for me.  The former tends to leave me broke while the latter leaves me broken.

I recognize that finding happiness through Passionate Living also requires some serious passionate healing.  Healing of that nature comes from excavating and attending to or in letting go.  Having already been knee-deep in this process tending to old issues, I see my need to continue on through my more recent hurts.  Even so, I feel I'm ready to take it all to another level.  As I attend to emotional repairs, I want to pursue daily life repairs.  Hence BEMUSED.  Hence Simple Abundance.

I'm convinced Sarah Ban Breathnach has the same mantra hanging above her writing desk.  Delving further into her January essays, I find she speaks directly to my heart.  "You already possess all the inner wisdom, strength, and creativity needed to make your dreams come true."  "You already possess all you need to be genuinely happy."  She explains that one comes to a flawed conclusion about happiness and fulfillment when one can't access one's inner resources.  It is in those moments that one will seek out happiness and fulfillment from external events.  Often times, I've been led astray by those temporary easy fixes only to find myself in a much darker crippled state afterwards.  I know I'm not alone in this one!

What good are superficial band-aids?!  I want to make things right once and for all.  Why continue to carry baggage?  It only serves to hold me back in a place where I don't want to be.  I seek a deeper fulfillment and a truer happiness.  And so, I read a little further...  Sarah explains her 6 keys to Simple Abundance: 

• gratitude
• simplicity
• order
• harmony
• beauty
• joy 

She addresses all 6 in future essays, explaining that each one leads like a step to the next, and all 6 together make for a woven tapestry of one's life.

My current focus is gratitude.  As of this morning, I was pleased to count 8 slips of paper in my Jar of Happy Moments, and it's not even the end of the month!  And that's not the only way I'm working on gratitude.  I resurrected a habit of mine from years ago where each morning when I first wake up, I take a few moments while still in bed to reflect on things I'm grateful for.  I try to be specific and change up the list daily.  Usually this means I'm speaking of moments or experiences from the day before.  This exercise not only reminds me of all the good happening to me on a daily basis, it also sets my mindset for the day on a high note.  Gratitude for the good in one's life works to bring more of the good in!

This BEMUSED journey requires me to address all aspects of Self:  physical, emotional, psychological, and spiritual.  They are all interconnected.  If one area is weak, it will work to weaken the other areas.  And while it is difficult work, I can't deny how rewarding each and every step has been.  Taking myself apart has allowed me to start putting the pieces back together in a new configuration.  There's no list of instructions on how to do this right and proper either.  Everyone will tell you different.  And yet I realize life isn't a dress rehearsal.  It's imperative that I get it right this time around because there won't be another chance.  At least, not as ME.  And so, I'm committed to blazing my trail knowing that I will successfully achieve creating the life of bliss I crave, allowing me to live out the rest of my days passionately.

Jar of Happy Moments

Just a light little entry to introduce my Jar of Happy Moments.  Warning:  I disclosed before that I was going to get all ritualistic about this project, so don't be put off by any wacky talk in my description. :-)

First thing I did was clean the jar of all dust and finger prints, best I could.  I then applied multiple coats of a glass paint  to the outside of the jar.  Wanting to just tint the glass so as to not interfere with seeing its contents, I thinned the paint prior to applying to just a wash.  The jar rested between each coat for an hour.  However, after all coats were applied, it still took days to fully dry.  Even after the first few days, when I would handle it, I found my fingers left faint prints that had to be attended to.  Had I "baked" the jar when the coatings were completed, it probably would have dried much sooner.



Untouched mason jar with crafting tools and accessories at the ready.


The color I chose to tint the glass with was blue, or Azul, per the bottle's label.  I purposefully chose blue because a) it's my favorite color, and b) it's the color that is sometimes known to represent the Third-Eye Chakra.  This chakra is said to be where you intuition and knowing reside.  As I explained before, this jar and its contents are to serve as a reminder for gratitude of the good that comes my way throughout the year.  Choosing the color blue was my way of acknowledging my awareness that I bring to me that which I want, through my actions, thoughts and feelings.  Therefore, I "know" good things shall continually present themselves to me.  There are no doubts within me on this.  I know, like I know, like I know...

While waiting between drying coats of paint, I worked on the lid by applying 2 coats of gold paint.  I wasn't too fussy with this part as it was just a base to fancy up the lid a little more before applying my paper flowers.  Why flowers?  To represent my life and self fully blooming.  In a previous post, I mentioned my friend, Danielle, owner of Discovering Your Goddess.  A few years ago while enjoying a cup of tea at her kitchen table, Danielle gave me encouragement during a bleak time by referencing a quote from Anais Nin:  "And the day came when the risk to remain tight in a bud was more painful than the risk it took to blossom."  Such a powerful quote!!!  That night as I was leaving her house, she gave me a magnet from her fridge that had the quote printed on it.  It sticks prominently on my fridge, serving as a reminder of our discussion that day. 

After the paint on the jar was, for the most part, dry, I applied a gold glass paint to some of the detailing seen on the front.  You can't see it too well in the picture, but on the front of the jar is a cluster of fruits and leaves.  I wanted to emphasize this part as a sign of abundance in my life.  So the fruits and the swirly detailing around it were gilted in gold, a color most associated with richness and wealth.

I also attached a paper butterfly to the front of the jar.  Butterflies are said to represent transformation.  My life and self are both being transformed as I recognize with gratitude all the good coming my way.  And it is positioned to fly upward, signifying my upward progression through the year.

Finished jar with a view of the Golden Abundance on the front.

View of my "blooming" from the top.

Stayed tuned to future posts as you will see this jar pictured frequently throughout the year, documenting its progression of filling up with slips of paper, all which will detail many glorious blessings and adventures!!!





Chapter One

"There are years that ask questions and years that answer." ~ Zora Neale Hurston


I started the year off by delving once again into Sarah Ban Breathnach's book of daily essays entitled Simple Abundance, which brought me to this quote.  Great opener, as she encourages her readers in the first essay of the year to carve out a quiet interlude in which to dream, pen in hand, as "only dreams give birth to change."  I couldn't agree more.  And boy oh boy, do I have dreams!  With pen in hand, I have made a multitude of lists/plans/notes all dedicated to achieving those dreams.  Yet with all that analyzing and careful planning, I continue to be perplexed as to how to achieve Dream #1, the mucho grande of all my dreams.  It's the big enchilada that all others rest upon.


So far it seems that Dream #1 is of such epic proportions that my relatively intelligent brain can't seem to bring it into fruition.  It frustrates me greatly.  And I find when I get to feeling this way - all discouraged with a full on pout to boot - it's hard to look at the situation objectively, let alone optimistically.  These feelings then snowball until I find myself feeling great doubt and greatly overwhelmed at the possibility of losing out on my dream.  I try to be an optimist, but I'm more so a realist.


Funny thing is, I've re-written this post multiple times over a few days now because every time I re-read what I've typed, I'm mortified by all of my defeatist talk.  No wonder I struggle!  I have 4 big dreams and I've become so discouraged as of late at the hopes of making any of them come true that I've killed off all possible achievement whatsoever.  Because I've told myself I can't have what I want.  I've convinced myself of this through my whiney, complain-y daily dialogue.  Remember me mentioning in a previous post how shocked and appalled I was at all my negative dialogue in my journals through the past few years?  It's the same thing.  In every way, I've set myself up to fail.  No wonder I feel like I'm spinning my wheels going nowhere fast!


I have a dream of making my living through my art.  I have many interests, many modes, and many abilities I can capitalize on.  I see people all around me with greater odds stacked against them who've managed to achieve the same for themselves.  They've managed to uncover the magic formula.  So why not me?!  Because I've talked myself into seeing nothing but a brick wall of self-doubt in front of me, blocking me from achieving my dream.  You know, it took me so long to even call myself an artist!  For years I believed that the things I created weren't "real art" and that I had no right to use that title for myself.  Now I can see how messed up it is that I would treat myself that way for so long.


Prior to now, I've been bemoaning my corporate day job because of the stress and lack of fulfillment I experience daily.  Since my BEMUSED venture is all about Living a Passionate Life, this must change pronto!  I feel no passion for what I do.  It's a stable job with great pay and great benefits, but it's been so taxing on me for so long now that all of it has become a truly soul-sucking endeavor.  And yet, I know the value of what I have.  I know a good job is hard to come by.  I know how important it is that I'm able to support my family.  I know the bleak job climate out there and how most would kill to have what I have at the moment.  But even with gratitude for my stability I'm unable to stave off the panic attacks that hit me now every Sunday in anticipation of returning to the office Monday morning.  Obviously something's really wrong here! If my health is affected, and it has been for quite some time, then something's got to give.  THIS * MUST * CHANGE!!!


Recognizing that I could potentially build up an art business on the side, while still working to support my family, I tried to create during my downtime.  But that's been a problem as well.  Working 40 hours a week in management leaves me so mentally drained that I have virtually no energy to do what needs to be done when I get home, let alone what I want to do.  There's dinner to make, a home to care for, laundry to do, a son to raise, plus all those other miscellanies that fall under the category of 'Life Happens.'  And despite how good of an artist one is - when one is drained, one is NOT creative.


I'm a little late to the game of knowing myself and what I want to do with my life.  This career that I now have is something that I had wanted at one time.  It seemed a logical choice in my 20's and some of my 30's to work in this direction.  Had I known myself better in my youth, I could have pursued a bohemian lifestyle quite easily before having the responsibilities I now have.  At this point, I can't just up and quit, throwing caution to the wind, especially when just finding out that my 8-year-old now needs braces.  Let's be real here!  Some dreams are possible.  Some dreams are probable.  And some dreams will always remain just a dream.


Or so I thought.


Through my many re-drafts of this post, I'm finding that my success at anything is dependent on ME.  Pursuing a dream requires not just action, but healthy thoughts and feelings that align to achieving said dream.  With all my defeatist dialogue above, it's no wonder I shake my fist in frustration at the Universe rather than raise my hands in praise.  I sabotage myself in every way.  And that brick wall I built has now blocked me from seeing my full potential.  It's built on a foundation of fear:  fear of failing, of making a bad decision, of hurting my family.  I have been consistent at wanting this dream.  But I've also been consistent at telling myself I can't have what I want.  I can see now that if I expect a different outcome then I need to discontinue with the same negative thought patterns that have held me in limbo.  If I can't see a way to achieve my dream then, no, there is no way.  So maybe it's time to pick up a sledgehammer and work to tear down that wall once and for all.


Now back to my question at hand -- How do I make my living through my art?  Sarah's January 2nd essay speaks about a process that will evolve throughout the year.  She says I need to live my questions, as the answers will come.  I need to be open to the changes that the answers will inevitably bring.  And most importantly, I need to believe in myself!!!


Right now, I commit to trusting in the process of my BEMUSED journey.  I believe I have already succeeded by taking this much needed step.  I believe this is the year to uncover my answers.  As I proceed slowly, I leave behind me discarded doubts and fears that have weighed me down thus far.  Starting this blog is a step in the direction of my dreams.  As I explore my questions of how to live a passionate life, I explore myself.  I learn, I grow, I uncover more tools and bring forth more truths.  It changes me, which in turn changes my life.  Already I feel an immediate shift as I accept the truth explored above.  Already I've weakened the mortar that holds my brick wall together.  Today I choose to believe unquestionably in myself and my success.  I invite the answers to reshape me as I continue to ask my questions.


"You only live once - but if you work it right, once is enough." ~ Joe E. Lewis

Return to the Living

I'm back!!!  Finally!

My apologies for my absence.  It was unintentional, as absences frequently are.  It just so happens that the plague decided to descend upon my household right after the busy holidays.  It's been making the rounds in the area I live so I can't say I was surprised by its visit.  What bummed me out most was its timing.  As I've already mentioned, January held a big birthday for me and I had big plans for celebrating.  But being weak from the tail end of the flu complicated them a bit.  Alas, I was able to power through well enough and make some memories of my big day.  I also promised myself a redo later this year.  Who knows, maybe I'll make it an annual birthday tradition!

Even in my weakened state, it was quite the experience!  I treated myself to a day at The Spa at The Hershey Hotel.  And what a treat it was!  For those who aren't familiar with The Hershey Hotel, let me just say that it's quite lovely and grand.  And that's just the hotel itself.  The spa is beyond words!  I felt like a queen.  This is definitely an experience that will go into my Mason Jar of Happy Moments!!!  I can't say enough good things about all the people I encountered both in the spa and at the hotel, where I stayed overnight.  I give the entire experience 5 out of 5 stars!

As mentioned, I also treated myself with a room for the night.  After checking in, I splurged on some tasty gourmet room service.  There was snow on the ground that evening, which was fitting as there was snow on the day I was born.  I took a very brief stroll outside that night, marveling at its freshness.  Under the moonlight I was treated to thousands of untouched snowflake diamonds that glistened all around me.  Its beauty was beyond compare.  I was also gifted with a sighting of 2 deer running across my path as I walked along in the still and silent night.  Magical, indeed. 

And speaking of my Mason Jar of Happy Moments...  Over the holidays, I found a lovely large mason jar at home that I have set aside to use.  After partaking in a little Pinterest, I found some nifty ideas on how to decorate it.  I really want to do it up, you know.  So this weekend, I'll be making a trip to my local Michael's to stock up on necessary supplies.  By the end of the weekend, I will have a beautiful jar to fill with slips of paper that detail wonderful experiences throughout the year.  I even have a few to record a while to put in it once it's completed.  And of course, I will photograph and show it here real soon!