I survived my theatrical debut from February. Doing the Vagina Monologues was a wonderful experience overall and I'm so very glad I did it. When asked afterwards if I would ever do it again, I said no. Though it was rewarding in many ways, it was also extremely disconcerting and uncomfortable. Not once did my adrenaline kick in the way I was told it would. But thankfully the feedback received was great! I was told I did a wonderful job, albeit feeling awkward and self-conscious the entire time. Believe me, faking orgasms (as my one monologue required) to a public medium is no easy feat for one such as me. Doesn't matter how much applause or sweet praise follows.
I greatly dislike being observed. And yet, like every other human being out there, I love to be complimented and know I'm admired by those I adore. I just don't like to think on the fact that I'm being watched in the process. The idea that parts of me I'd rather remain unexposed may show greatly unnerves me. I understand that to a great degree, we are all hardwired this way. That is why we hide away, shy away, or hold others at arm's length - all to avoid being fully seen.
"To be fully seen by somebody, then, and be loved anyhow - this is a human offering that can border on miraculous." ~ Elizabeth Gilbert
I'm a people watcher. A total voyeur. I love to observe the world around me. But I usually do so at a safe distance. At times, I may appear bold but you could never classify me as an exhibitionist. Two different animals, there. I don't thrive on being watched, I thrive on watching.
It intrigues me to know this about myself. I ponder the differences between being a voyeur and an exhibitionist and find that, to me, they seem to come from the same root - insecurity. But how can two totally different approaches at hiding come from the same root? Or am I wrong in thinking that's where it comes from?
There's always that general fear of being harshly judged when one is splayed open for the world to view. We all have perceived "flaws". I say it this way because they aren't really flaws, we just classify them as such based on our own interpretations. And yet, when witnessing my own "flaws," I'm still able to know and love myself. Or am I?? If I did indeed love and value myself, would I be so uncomfortable at being seen? So fearful of being judged? I want to understand why it feels like a raw nerve being exposed whenever I know I'm being watched? These are the things I ponder, people!
Still, with the fear of being judged, I greatly desire being seen. Because I greatly desire being accepted by those I love. We all do! That's why we allow ourselves those moments of vulnerability. So where does this fear come from, truly? Is it a fear of being judged less lovable? Less desirable? Is that even possible?? Because I find I tend to love someone more when I learn of their weaknesses. When I see that tender underbelly being shown, I get all protective and want to shield it from all possible hurts. So is that, in turn, what I'm doing to myself through hiding? Am I throwing a protective mantle over my own tender underbelly in the hopes of avoiding hurts through its exposure? Is that where my discomfort in being fully seen comes from?
I'm getting better at putting myself out there though. Repeating the cathartic exercise of pushing my boundaries has forced me into many vulnerable situations as of late. And each time I walk away feeling stronger and more confident for my efforts, even though the process is still not easy by any means. I like the sense of pride I feel when I accomplish that which I set out to do, instead of sitting around saying, "I wish I would have..." Even if I suck at it, at least I can say "I did it!" But I have yet to feel soothed enough to try my hand at theater again. Perhaps I could be swayed by a production of Hair in the near future...NOT!
"The most terrifying thing is to accept oneself completely." ~ Carl Jung
I greatly dislike being observed. And yet, like every other human being out there, I love to be complimented and know I'm admired by those I adore. I just don't like to think on the fact that I'm being watched in the process. The idea that parts of me I'd rather remain unexposed may show greatly unnerves me. I understand that to a great degree, we are all hardwired this way. That is why we hide away, shy away, or hold others at arm's length - all to avoid being fully seen.
"To be fully seen by somebody, then, and be loved anyhow - this is a human offering that can border on miraculous." ~ Elizabeth Gilbert
I'm a people watcher. A total voyeur. I love to observe the world around me. But I usually do so at a safe distance. At times, I may appear bold but you could never classify me as an exhibitionist. Two different animals, there. I don't thrive on being watched, I thrive on watching.
It intrigues me to know this about myself. I ponder the differences between being a voyeur and an exhibitionist and find that, to me, they seem to come from the same root - insecurity. But how can two totally different approaches at hiding come from the same root? Or am I wrong in thinking that's where it comes from?
There's always that general fear of being harshly judged when one is splayed open for the world to view. We all have perceived "flaws". I say it this way because they aren't really flaws, we just classify them as such based on our own interpretations. And yet, when witnessing my own "flaws," I'm still able to know and love myself. Or am I?? If I did indeed love and value myself, would I be so uncomfortable at being seen? So fearful of being judged? I want to understand why it feels like a raw nerve being exposed whenever I know I'm being watched? These are the things I ponder, people!
Still, with the fear of being judged, I greatly desire being seen. Because I greatly desire being accepted by those I love. We all do! That's why we allow ourselves those moments of vulnerability. So where does this fear come from, truly? Is it a fear of being judged less lovable? Less desirable? Is that even possible?? Because I find I tend to love someone more when I learn of their weaknesses. When I see that tender underbelly being shown, I get all protective and want to shield it from all possible hurts. So is that, in turn, what I'm doing to myself through hiding? Am I throwing a protective mantle over my own tender underbelly in the hopes of avoiding hurts through its exposure? Is that where my discomfort in being fully seen comes from?
I'm getting better at putting myself out there though. Repeating the cathartic exercise of pushing my boundaries has forced me into many vulnerable situations as of late. And each time I walk away feeling stronger and more confident for my efforts, even though the process is still not easy by any means. I like the sense of pride I feel when I accomplish that which I set out to do, instead of sitting around saying, "I wish I would have..." Even if I suck at it, at least I can say "I did it!" But I have yet to feel soothed enough to try my hand at theater again. Perhaps I could be swayed by a production of Hair in the near future...NOT!
"The most terrifying thing is to accept oneself completely." ~ Carl Jung
