Wait For The Beep

I had a different blog entry cued up for today but felt compelled to write up this one after realizing something about myself yesterday morning.  It's a dilemma of sorts, one that many experience - Excessive Phone Usage.  This plague has been affecting the masses for quite some time.  And while I came into contact with it later than most, it still managed to pull me into its clutches.   

I have an android phone which I'm quite fond of both for the convenience of a cell phone and also for entertainment purposes.  Having regular access to my Facebook page, thanks to said phone, I noticed many of my acquaintances choosing to give up Facebook for Lent.  And while I don't regularly "live" on my Facebook page (some days I'll post a lot and then go days without), I do enjoy scrolling through the posts of others.  So much so that I know I would miss it within those 40 days.  Hmmm...  'Miss it' might not sum it up, actually.  I'm pretty sure I'd go through a bit of a withdrawal if I had to give up Facebook for 40 days.  And here's why...   

In 2013, my husband and I separated.  Prior to him moving out, we spent much time apart because our work schedules covered different times of the day, our social endeavors involved different interests, and when we were home together we were generally in other areas of the house attending to whatever task was at hand.  But even with so much time apart, when he moved out, the house felt very empty and very, very lonely.  It was because of the reason behind his absence that I struggled adjusting.  

I started turning to the easy accesses my phone provided for distraction.  It became my companion and source of comfort in some ways.  I would pour over inspirational memes on Facebook and save them in my phone for reference.  I would envy those that seemed to be living rich lives full of love.  (Granted, I know it's easy to present things to look that way when they are not so much, but I envied nonetheless.)  It became my primary source of socialization when I didn't have the strength to actually be social but craved companionship all the more. 

Flash forward to the present day - it's now 2015 and things have simmered down a bit.  At least enough for me to put down the phone.  But I haven't.  So when exactly did I turn into one of those phone zombies??  When did I lose my interest in actually "living" life???  I found myself already stewing on the matter when reading another post by a friend who hasn't had a cell phone for almost a year now.  She gave it up because of the drain she felt in her ability to be present.  She found that she too was so wrapped up with games and memes that she was missing out on interacting with actual people in her life.

Reality decided to pay me an overdue visit.  I had a rare weekend at home that was spent relaxing and cleaning/purging my house - an act that has been long overdue.  Throughout the weekend, I found myself picking up the phone a lot.  When I'd feel bored or needed a break, I'd surf a little.  Seemed harmless enough.  Elliot was busy playing and I was supposed to be busy cleaning.  But Sunday morning I wasn't cleaning.  I was snuggled in bed with my son and we were watching a Berenstein Bears DVD.  Because I was bored with the cartoon after having seen it umpteen times before, and because he was so immersed with it that I didn't think he'd notice, I decided to pull out my phone and cruise around a little bit.  He noticed, although I didn't realize that's what was happening at the time.  He started pointing out to me things happening in the cartoon, to which I would nod my head, say "Sure," and continue scrolling through posts. 

I started typing this entry about my phone usage yesterday morning and it was only while doing so that the Ugly Truth came up and smacked me hard across the face.  I realized right then that Sunday morning my son was trying to engage me by pointing out cartoon details.  He could tell I was no longer present with him and was trying to bring me back.  And I wasn't able to see it at the time.  My attention was directed elsewhere so much so that I was incapable of seeing what was happening right there in front of me!  I was too busy with my phone!  And realizing that yesterday morning was a bitter pill to swallow.  Finally understanding, my eyes filled with tears.  Talk about Shameful Mommy Moments!  I've felt horrid ever since!!

Sunday night I was already starting to recognize I have a problem.  Yesterday morning, even more so, and said to myself, "You realize you need to do something about this, right?!  You can't let this continue."  While I can't say I know of a solution just yet, I do know that some hard measures are required.  Such as detoxing.  Any true addiction requires a period of withdrawal.  So last night I started off with a mini detox, keeping my phone away for the evening and this morning while I was with my son.  And you know what?  The world didn't end!  I missed nothing of true importance.  In fact, I can't say I missed it either.  I was too busy being present and enjoying the moments before me.

I see now many more mini detoxes in store for me and my phone.  And I am embracing the idea after enjoying my night.  Remember me complaining about not having enough time for...anything!...well I just found myself some.  :) 

Dam Me Up, Beaver

"The time will pass anyway, you can either spend it creating the life you want or spend it living the life you don't want.  The choice is yours."

I had a dream the other night, remembering parts of it when I awoke in the morning.  But then later in the day, my son said something that made an additional memory from the dream come rushing back to me.  It was the memory of seeing a beaver with bright yellow coloring on it walking across my path. 

As kooky as it sounds, I took this as a message of sorts.  Reason being, every once in a while I have powerful thoughts hit me in dreams or in dream-like visions in the early morning hours.  Sometimes I dream of conversations rather than actual physical things.  But every time I have one of these unusual types of dreams, it always seems to be connected to something I'm experiencing or about to experience soon thereafter.

There are those who believe that animals have spiritual significance.  In looking up the spiritual meaning of the beaver, I found it to be uber relevant to exactly where I'm at in this moment.  So yes, I'm taking it as a sign! :)

"Beavers are ingenious builders, orchestrating megalith dams that can change the flowing course of entire rivers.  This impressive aspect along with its association with water makes the beaver an analogy for building up our dreams.  In essence, the beaver tells us to believe in our dreams as if they were real.  Build on them as if the dream is your reality.  Change the course of your life flow by structuring your life with a goal to coax your dreams into your physical reality.  Animal symbolism of the beaver deals with building our lives up around our dreams and working diligently.  It's great to have dreams, but you have to work at them to make them real!"

Pretty powerful, huh!  I have to believe this was a nudge for me to get a move on as I've been slipping into melancholy as of late.  Time to knock that shit off!  As a matter of fact, it might be time for me to re-read Neil Gaiman's keynote address of 2012 to the graduating class of the University of Arts in Philadelphia.  (If you have not seen or heard this, please YouTube it pronto!  You'll be ever so glad you did!!!)  In it, he explains that no matter what happens to you in life, "MAKE GOOD ART."  Sage words right there!  

"...whatever you do you have one thing that's unique.  You have the ability to make art.  And for me, and for so many of the people I have known, that's been a lifesaver.  The ultimate lifesaver.  It gets you through good times and it gets you through the other ones.  Life is sometimes hard.  Things go wrong, in life and in love and in business and in friendship and in health and in all the other ways that life can go wrong.  And when things get tough, this is what you should do.  Make good art.  I'm serious.  Husband runs off with a politician?  Make good art.  Leg crushed and then eaten by mutated boa constrictor?  Make good art.  IRS on your trail?  Make good art.  Cat exploded?  Make good art.  Somebody on the Internet thinks that what you do is stupid or evil or it's all been done before?  Make good art.  Probably things will work out somehow, and eventually time will take the sting away, but that doesn't matter.  Do what only you do best.  Make good art."

And with that in mind, what have I been doing??  I'm ashamed to say not much at the moment now that my theatrical debut is complete.  I was working on some cuttings, but my heart isn't fully into it at the moment.  I have the urge to dabble in botanicals once again, learning more about aromatherapy.  And yet when I get home at night and finish with making supper and whatever else needs attending to, I find I'm too tired to do much else.  So what's a girl to do in order to create her dreams into being?  Not sure yet.  But crashing out on the sofa at night after I put my son to bed isn't helping much either.

"Dreams pass into reality of action.  From action, stems the dream again.  This interdependence produces the highest form of living." ~ Anais Nin

This weekend I need to get my butt on the yoga mat.  I need to stretch my body, refreshing it with oxygen as I breathe deeply into my postures.  I'm sure a bit of cleansing and energizing will go a long way for me at this time.  Let's see if a few nights of some simple evening yoga will start to recharge my battery.  Maybe it'll knock some of the cobwebs loose and get me moving in a new creative direction. 

Take us out, Neil ~

"And now go, and make interesting mistakes, make amazing mistakes, make glorious and fantastic mistakes.  Break rules.  Leave the world more interesting for your being here.  Make good art."

Because I'm Weird

I have never done theater before in my life.  Never did plays or musicals in high school.  Never involved myself in productions in any way.  The one activity I participated in during junior and senior high was twirling Rifles in Bandfront.  And while that required performing in front of crowds at football games, field competitions and parades, it never required me to be alone in the spotlight so to speak.  I don't like being in the spotlight.  I don't like being observed, I like doing the observing.

So naturally, when a co-worker told me that her community theater group was doing a production of The Vagina Monologues for Valentine's Weekend, I immediately signed up to audition!

Wait...what??  I did what?!?!

It's all about pushing boundaries and stepping outside of my comfort zone, right?!  I said I was committed to that goal last year and it served me so well that I continued my commitment into this year.  Besides, it's for a good cause.

The Vagina Monologues is very empowering for women.  We learn that we are not alone in our feelings and experiences with our bodies.  We learn that our most private of body parts is beautiful and exquisite in every way!  We learn to love and celebrate that which makes us the fascinating creates we are!  Plus, part of the proceeds from this production go to helping women in crisis.  For that reason alone, I'll gladly stand up in front of a crowd and make a fool of myself!! 

Although I admit that my bold ambition has been rapidly fading in the days leading up to the weekend.  At this point, I'm extremely nervous!

Tonight is our final rehearsal.  Shows are Friday and Saturday nights at 7:00pm at the Gallery Above Penn Square in Reading, PA.  If anyone local is reading this blog, come on out for a showing.  You'll be supporting a good cause and you'll get to see me fake an orgasm onstage! 

Oy vey...

Conundrum

The definition of a conundrum is 1) a riddle whose answer contains a pun; 2) any puzzling problem.  Well I've got a pun-less conundrum here...  I want to know if happiness is a choice. 


All around me I see inspirational sayings that tell me it is indeed a choice.  We choose what we think.  Therefore, we choose how we feel.  We also choose how we see things.  I believe all of this to be true.  So yes, I believe in a certain sense that we choose whether or not to be happy, regardless of circumstances.


If that's the case, then today, I choose to be happy.


...


...


...I'm waiting...


...


While I do believe happiness involves a choice of sorts, I don't think it's as easy as the statement above makes it sound.  If I am feeling unhappy, despite my choice to feel happy, does it mean I'm lacking in gratitude?  I don't think so.  So why do I still flounder with the need to feel happy?


Let me look at it from a different angle.  I have moments of happiness.  They tend to be brief and fleeting.  Maybe that's normal.  Maybe one should strive not for happiness but for contentedness.  I want to feel content.  I want to feel it more days than not.  And I want to feel it regardless of my circumstances.  My feelings of contentment should not be based on my job, my home, or my love life.  Any of those things can be fleeting and I want my contentment to be as permanent a thing as can be. 


Is that even possible?


I feel listless and languid.  I feel it enough to question why when I'm perfectly capable of seeing all the good in my life.  So why can't I feel it?


Often times a restless, unsatisfied nature is attributed to a disconnect with oneself.  Is that the root of my problem?  Do I need to spend more time exploring myself and my passions?  Well, yes...I do...  We all do.  But I don't know if that can fully explain my issue.  I think it goes way deeper than that.  Am I just a whiner?  I sure hope not!  I don't mean to be!!  I will have a run of days where I maintain a positive outlook, telling myself, "Fake it till you make it."  But then I get tired of faking it when what I truly feel inside is dissatisfaction.  And then I mope.  And then I get angry with myself for moping.  And then I get frustrated for being so unkind to myself.


I know a big problem for me is the constant chatter I have going through my mind.  It's not that it's always a negative chatter, but it is constant and that alone is draining.  The main reason for it is because I fell away from 3 very important practices:  meditation, yoga and reiki.  These 3 things are key for me to silence and de-clutter my mind.  They need to be my mainstay for any healthy spiritual work. 


In my posts leading up to now, I can see how I've gotten way ahead of myself here.  I'm trying to run with BEMUSED while failing to walk first with my tripod (meditation, yoga, reiki).  My tripod needs to be fully functioning before any journey can commence.  Pursuing the whispers of my heart is all well and good.  But it's impossible for me to clearly hear those whispers over all the senseless chatter going on.


So what have I determined here?  Let's see...  I do believe happiness is a choice.  And while I  believe I am still in need of self-exploration, I think I'm far enough along there for the time being.  That leaves me with the issue of my chatterbox brain.  I obviously need to devote more time to dealing with that before returning to self-exploration.  Can't keep wasting valuable energy chasing my tail with my tripod sitting in a deconstructed heap in the corner!


This is a crazy busy week for me.  The cat got neutered.  My son has a school project due next week as well as Valentines to prepare for his classmates.  My grandmother was in the hospital.  I'm preparing for a theater production that I'm in this weekend (did I mention I'm doing some community theater for the first time ever?!  more on that tomorrow).  And I'm way behind on some cutting commissions and pieces for a small gallery display that's going up in a local restaurant for next month.  Plus there's the regular cooking, laundry, cleaning, appointments and errands, all of which have been greatly neglected.  And did I mention that I lost a whole night last night being down for the count due to a migraine?  I don't see how I can possibly carve out a niche this week for one more thing, no matter how much that meditation is needed right now!


But come next week, it's definitely back to Basic Training for me!!!

Destination Addiction

I recently posted this on my Facebook wall as it is so very fitting for me. 

"Beware of Destination Addiction - a preoccupation with the idea that happiness is in the next place, the next job, and with the next partner.  Until you give up the idea that happiness is somewhere else, it will never be where you are."

I am shamed to say I spent a good portion of my life in this sorry state.  In fact, at times I still find myself trapped in its clutches!  But the difference between then and now is the realization that I can choose a different way of being for myself.  Through my BEMUSED journey, I'm creating my own happiness by exploring my true passions and desires.  In doing so, I feel myself breaking this habit once and for all.

It's like a disease really.  I guess that's the classification of all addiction.  I have already bemoaned on here my dissatisfaction with my job.  What you don't know is that I've bemoaned dissatisfaction with my home, my relationships, my finances, my lifestyle, my hair, my boobs, blah blah blah...  The list goes on.  I've tried to tackle this issue in the past too by analyzing each individually to see how to change it into something better.  I've made to-do lists, cut out pretty pictures from magazines for inspiration, and highlighted articles for reference.  All in an attempt to custom make a life and self that I thought would finally make me happy.

Ahhhhh...no.  All I was doing was replicating someone or something else.  Trying to fit in that square box that I thought I belonged in.  It didn't work.  There was no true lasting happiness to be found in that state.  I always wound up feeling listless and empty.  Although I do remember being blissfully happy (for the most part) in childhood.  So when did my addiction begin?  I know exactly when -- as a teenager.  I spent hours upon hours holed up in my bedroom dreaming of my future.  From there into adulthood, the happy moments dwindled down more so as I floundered around in my existence, not really knowing myself, just going through the motions in so many ways.  It was always easier to dream of life than actually create it and live it for myself. 

But I don't blame my former self for this as I once did.  So often I catch myself saying, "All that time I wasted, had I only known..."  Well, I didn't know!!  I had no idea of the woman I was.  And she's not the same as the woman I am now.  It takes living and a continuous exploration and true connection to self to really progress in discovering one's true pleasures.  It takes time to really get in there and dig around.  And even then, it takes time to craft around those discoveries.


I'd say it's taken me until now to really know ME.  And the reason I say it's a "continuous exploration" is because I find myself to be ever evolving.  Last year I really stepped outside of myself and started to explore various interests and curiosities I've had for ages.  That process shall continue into this year as well.  It's all part of immersing myself in my idea of Passionate Living.  So here I am, taking my search to a whole other level.


It's in there, I know it is!  Somewhere deep inside me is a  wellspring of True Happiness.  I shall continue the search by immersing myself in the things I love to do.  I shall expose myself to new endeavors to see if it triggers something excitable within.  I'll keep digging until I find the X that marks that magical spot to my wellspring.  And BEMUSED shall be a treasure map I share with other explorers journeying to the center of their own most passionate souls.