Wait For The Beep

I had a different blog entry cued up for today but felt compelled to write up this one after realizing something about myself yesterday morning.  It's a dilemma of sorts, one that many experience - Excessive Phone Usage.  This plague has been affecting the masses for quite some time.  And while I came into contact with it later than most, it still managed to pull me into its clutches.   

I have an android phone which I'm quite fond of both for the convenience of a cell phone and also for entertainment purposes.  Having regular access to my Facebook page, thanks to said phone, I noticed many of my acquaintances choosing to give up Facebook for Lent.  And while I don't regularly "live" on my Facebook page (some days I'll post a lot and then go days without), I do enjoy scrolling through the posts of others.  So much so that I know I would miss it within those 40 days.  Hmmm...  'Miss it' might not sum it up, actually.  I'm pretty sure I'd go through a bit of a withdrawal if I had to give up Facebook for 40 days.  And here's why...   

In 2013, my husband and I separated.  Prior to him moving out, we spent much time apart because our work schedules covered different times of the day, our social endeavors involved different interests, and when we were home together we were generally in other areas of the house attending to whatever task was at hand.  But even with so much time apart, when he moved out, the house felt very empty and very, very lonely.  It was because of the reason behind his absence that I struggled adjusting.  

I started turning to the easy accesses my phone provided for distraction.  It became my companion and source of comfort in some ways.  I would pour over inspirational memes on Facebook and save them in my phone for reference.  I would envy those that seemed to be living rich lives full of love.  (Granted, I know it's easy to present things to look that way when they are not so much, but I envied nonetheless.)  It became my primary source of socialization when I didn't have the strength to actually be social but craved companionship all the more. 

Flash forward to the present day - it's now 2015 and things have simmered down a bit.  At least enough for me to put down the phone.  But I haven't.  So when exactly did I turn into one of those phone zombies??  When did I lose my interest in actually "living" life???  I found myself already stewing on the matter when reading another post by a friend who hasn't had a cell phone for almost a year now.  She gave it up because of the drain she felt in her ability to be present.  She found that she too was so wrapped up with games and memes that she was missing out on interacting with actual people in her life.

Reality decided to pay me an overdue visit.  I had a rare weekend at home that was spent relaxing and cleaning/purging my house - an act that has been long overdue.  Throughout the weekend, I found myself picking up the phone a lot.  When I'd feel bored or needed a break, I'd surf a little.  Seemed harmless enough.  Elliot was busy playing and I was supposed to be busy cleaning.  But Sunday morning I wasn't cleaning.  I was snuggled in bed with my son and we were watching a Berenstein Bears DVD.  Because I was bored with the cartoon after having seen it umpteen times before, and because he was so immersed with it that I didn't think he'd notice, I decided to pull out my phone and cruise around a little bit.  He noticed, although I didn't realize that's what was happening at the time.  He started pointing out to me things happening in the cartoon, to which I would nod my head, say "Sure," and continue scrolling through posts. 

I started typing this entry about my phone usage yesterday morning and it was only while doing so that the Ugly Truth came up and smacked me hard across the face.  I realized right then that Sunday morning my son was trying to engage me by pointing out cartoon details.  He could tell I was no longer present with him and was trying to bring me back.  And I wasn't able to see it at the time.  My attention was directed elsewhere so much so that I was incapable of seeing what was happening right there in front of me!  I was too busy with my phone!  And realizing that yesterday morning was a bitter pill to swallow.  Finally understanding, my eyes filled with tears.  Talk about Shameful Mommy Moments!  I've felt horrid ever since!!

Sunday night I was already starting to recognize I have a problem.  Yesterday morning, even more so, and said to myself, "You realize you need to do something about this, right?!  You can't let this continue."  While I can't say I know of a solution just yet, I do know that some hard measures are required.  Such as detoxing.  Any true addiction requires a period of withdrawal.  So last night I started off with a mini detox, keeping my phone away for the evening and this morning while I was with my son.  And you know what?  The world didn't end!  I missed nothing of true importance.  In fact, I can't say I missed it either.  I was too busy being present and enjoying the moments before me.

I see now many more mini detoxes in store for me and my phone.  And I am embracing the idea after enjoying my night.  Remember me complaining about not having enough time for...anything!...well I just found myself some.  :)